Well surgery went pretty well, although I am sore I am in pretty good spirits. I will give you a rundown of my surgery day and how I am recovering so far.
Monday morning I showed up to hospital bright and early 7am. At 8:30 I was scheduled for sentinel node injections. They injected radioactive isotope into 4 spots around my tumour and then put me on a machine that shows where the isotope spreads in order to find the sentinel node. However the dye never spread and never showed the sentinel node. My surgeon reassured me the color dye would show the sentinel node and he would inject that after I was put under.
My anesthesiologist was my saviour. She was such a beautiful soul and took such fantastic care of me. I would put my life in her hands any day. She really put me at ease, which is not surprising after I found out she usually works with peads surgery. She took the time to answer my questions, make me feel comfortable and even going so far as to give me an infant IV and swapping it for the big surgery one after I was under anesthetic. She even gave me some Valium type injection which made me laugh so hard I don't even remember being wheeled into surgery, she is my hero. I also asked her to ask a nurse to call my husband when I get to recovery her response was "no, I will call him personally so he is here with you". Without her I could imagine it being a much more scary experience. I will definitely be sending her a thank you card!
My surgeon has a very good record behind him but his bedside manor was lacking. He is not very good with making me feel comfortable or answering questions but when a really good friend of mine who works at the hospital said if she had any breast issues he is the only one she would trust, it made me feel better. Its funny hot shot surgeons can always afford to have a god complex. He would be the whole package if he took some lessons from my anesthesiologist ;) He told me that the blue dye never worked either, so they just took 4 random lymph nodes. I wish I knew why my lymph nodes never showed up with the color or radioactive dye but surgeons never stick around long enough to answer my questions. Maybe my surgeon uncles could give me a hint.....
I have two big 3inch + incisions one for my lymph nodes and one for the lumpectomy. After surgery the morphine had me so whacked out I forgot to breathe a few times and so I was put on oxygen as my pulse ox got too low. Other than that all has been going well except for the morphine tablets making me super nauseous and having to take heaps of maxalon and feeling like I am going to vomit the last few days. I can't wait until I can stop the pain meds and feel better.
I get my results on the stage of cancer and lymph node involvement on October 6th, so I am praying I get some good news, it is long overdue. I also have physio and occupational therapy appointments which I will post on my important dates list. I can imagine my diary will be full of appointments for some time.
I have gotten so many flowers and visitors and people are truly being incredible. I owe a big thank you to everyone being here for me. I really missed my boys being in hospital and I am so glad to be home as I missed them like crazy. I am signing off now because I feel a bit yucky from my pain meds, so goodnight and thank you for following me and being supportive of my journey thus far.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Let the Games Begin
Well tomorrow is the big day, surgery. This marks the beginning of my treatment to 'vanquish cancer' from my body, life and soul so I can get on with my life. As of tomorrow I will be cancer free providing it hasn't spread, which is my biggest prayer. Feel free to pray with me, I can use all the help I can get.
I am using the art of distraction to keep myself occupied and my mind off of everything. In addition to that since I am a panicker I get to take a valium tomorrow prior to my sentinal node dye injections, thank god as I am NOT a needle person. The injections are done in nuclear medicine as they are radioactive apparently. The inject the dye into several places in my breast and then wait 45-60 min and then take some x-ray type pictures so they know how much and where to cut and which lymph nides to biopsy. The dye seeks out the first lymph node the cancer would spread to if it has indeed spread so they can remove it and biopsy it. Obviously my hope and prayer is that this node and the ones they remove with it are cancer free so I dont need any additional surgery and can get on with treatment and get on with life as a breast cancer survivor.
So my key distractions techniques are crocheting, painting, The Sims 3, Take 5 puzzle books, and some reading. The funny thing is I haven't been able to read any books that aren't breast cancer research so far, so much for distraction. Everytime I get bored of one activity I switch which has really been helping and when I can't be bothered indulging my creative side, I play with my gorgeous boys or I nap. I also feel like like I have spent half of my life on the phone lately, but its great to be able to chat to family and friends.
I am feeling pretty good about everything today, albeit I am very nervous about surgery tomorrow. I think firday was my worst day so far. They told me I have a grade 3 tumour which made me panick and I was sure I was going to die. I then found out that its very very common for pre-menopausal women to have grade 3 tumours becuase of the excess hormones which typically breast tumours feed off of and that it is most definately not a death sentance its very fixable especially if it hasnt spread. The grade is not the stage, the stage will be determined after surgery, when they see if there is nodal involvement or spreading. I am hoping for grade 2 (the grades go from 1-4), grade 2 has pretty much a 88% sucess rate. The stage is just how much the cancer has affected the cells, and my cancer is invasive and aggressive as it has changed the cells at a rapid rate. I am confident everything will be ok, for today anyways. I will always have bad days where I feel insecure, and scared but I just remind myself I have too many people on my side that nothing can go wrong. I have beat the odds on many occasions so I can beat them again.
I love the quote from a family e-mail "You are a very determined girl and have proven that time and time again. You can beat this" It made me feel great because its nice to know people believe in me. Thank you!
I am using the art of distraction to keep myself occupied and my mind off of everything. In addition to that since I am a panicker I get to take a valium tomorrow prior to my sentinal node dye injections, thank god as I am NOT a needle person. The injections are done in nuclear medicine as they are radioactive apparently. The inject the dye into several places in my breast and then wait 45-60 min and then take some x-ray type pictures so they know how much and where to cut and which lymph nides to biopsy. The dye seeks out the first lymph node the cancer would spread to if it has indeed spread so they can remove it and biopsy it. Obviously my hope and prayer is that this node and the ones they remove with it are cancer free so I dont need any additional surgery and can get on with treatment and get on with life as a breast cancer survivor.
So my key distractions techniques are crocheting, painting, The Sims 3, Take 5 puzzle books, and some reading. The funny thing is I haven't been able to read any books that aren't breast cancer research so far, so much for distraction. Everytime I get bored of one activity I switch which has really been helping and when I can't be bothered indulging my creative side, I play with my gorgeous boys or I nap. I also feel like like I have spent half of my life on the phone lately, but its great to be able to chat to family and friends.
I am feeling pretty good about everything today, albeit I am very nervous about surgery tomorrow. I think firday was my worst day so far. They told me I have a grade 3 tumour which made me panick and I was sure I was going to die. I then found out that its very very common for pre-menopausal women to have grade 3 tumours becuase of the excess hormones which typically breast tumours feed off of and that it is most definately not a death sentance its very fixable especially if it hasnt spread. The grade is not the stage, the stage will be determined after surgery, when they see if there is nodal involvement or spreading. I am hoping for grade 2 (the grades go from 1-4), grade 2 has pretty much a 88% sucess rate. The stage is just how much the cancer has affected the cells, and my cancer is invasive and aggressive as it has changed the cells at a rapid rate. I am confident everything will be ok, for today anyways. I will always have bad days where I feel insecure, and scared but I just remind myself I have too many people on my side that nothing can go wrong. I have beat the odds on many occasions so I can beat them again.
I love the quote from a family e-mail "You are a very determined girl and have proven that time and time again. You can beat this" It made me feel great because its nice to know people believe in me. Thank you!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Telling friends, and family and the backlash that follows
By now I have informed all of my close friends and family. I think they were the hardest phone calls I ever had to make, telling people you have breast cancer opens a flood gate of emotions and anxiety. I don't want anyone else to hurt, or to worry. I don't want to be the reason why my Mom or my Grandma cries or feels down. I never wanted this to happen, to take away my husbands dream of his recent bussiness trip that had to be cancelled.
It seems that breast cancer has the ability to disappoint and upset everyone in my life not only myself. I don't know whats harder; having to be and look like a cancer patient or having to see how sad the people are around me because I will be a sick cancer patient. This is such devestating news and I still struggle with 'why me' and 'how could this happen'.
I have had many comments and while many people are extrodinarily supportive some really know how to say the wrong thing. I find it very intriguing how people react. It nearly makes me want to take a sociology course on response to negative news. I constantly get the 'Stay positive', 'You are such a strong woman you can beat this', and ' Everything will be ok, you will fight and come out on top'. The other comments however often ask the questions I do not want to face.
I am still processing and thinking about the hard things such as constant vomitting, how I will not be able to get out of bed and losing my hair. Those are the thing that scares me within an inch of my life. I dont want to lose my hair. One friend in particular after I broke the news only a few hours after finding out myself said "Oh my god can I shave your head before you go bald?". I was floored and this really upset me. I had not even considered losing my hair yet or all the things that follow diagnosis. I can't think of anything worse than being like the cancer patient on movies with sunken in eyes, no hair and just plain sick. So please if you are one of the people that see's me when I am at my worst during treatment try to not look at me that way, please do not make comments regarding how bad I look or treat me as if I am that sick. I have already had visitors that literally cannot look at me in the eyes, my face nothing and it makes me so uncomfortable. If they cannot look at me now that makes me anxious for what the future holds. I just want me to be me the beautiful vibrant and fun woman my boys see me as, not 'the cancer patient'.
I have gotten various negative comments but thankfully no one has asked me when I am dying as other people have gotten that question and I cannot imagine I would have any self restraint before slapping them. Dying is NOT an option! I have two little boys and a great husband. I intend on driving my husband crazy for the rest of his life and being there to dance with my boys at their wedding and to spoil my future Grandchildren. I am 25 and I have a lot of life left to live and more babies to have and I will make it! If anything I will look back on this as the motivator to finally get back on track and follow my dreams and not wait for anything.
So if you are like me and on the journey to defeating breast cancer make sure you never take the support for granted. If you are as lucky as me you will have friends who are willing to do anything for you and family who loves you so much they would gladly trade you places, even though I would never allow it, I feel better knowing I have such selfless people in my corner. As for the people who are negative or say things that hurt your feelings to the point you feel like throwing them through the closest window, ingnore it. They don't know how to react and sometimes people say incredibly stupid things when blindsided with such awful news. Some people also are just stupid and don't have a filter between their brain and thier mouth.
Now for my family and friends, thank you for your incredible support, thoughts and prayers. I appreciate all of you who stand behind me. I could not function everyday without the multitude of support I receive from all of you. A special shout out to N and K for all your help with watching my beautiful boys while I have treatment and go to appointments. You help has been incredible, thank you. An even bigger thank you to my husband. You have been so incredible these last couple weeks. Your help by giving me time to think, and picking up my slack, dealing with my mini meltdowns and crazy emotions has been so incredible. I will never take it for granted, and even if I do not say thank you for every gesture I am thinking it. I love you all and thank you!
Also thank you to the on-line women on the forums. Having the support of other women who are in my position has been invaluable to me.
It seems that breast cancer has the ability to disappoint and upset everyone in my life not only myself. I don't know whats harder; having to be and look like a cancer patient or having to see how sad the people are around me because I will be a sick cancer patient. This is such devestating news and I still struggle with 'why me' and 'how could this happen'.
I have had many comments and while many people are extrodinarily supportive some really know how to say the wrong thing. I find it very intriguing how people react. It nearly makes me want to take a sociology course on response to negative news. I constantly get the 'Stay positive', 'You are such a strong woman you can beat this', and ' Everything will be ok, you will fight and come out on top'. The other comments however often ask the questions I do not want to face.
I am still processing and thinking about the hard things such as constant vomitting, how I will not be able to get out of bed and losing my hair. Those are the thing that scares me within an inch of my life. I dont want to lose my hair. One friend in particular after I broke the news only a few hours after finding out myself said "Oh my god can I shave your head before you go bald?". I was floored and this really upset me. I had not even considered losing my hair yet or all the things that follow diagnosis. I can't think of anything worse than being like the cancer patient on movies with sunken in eyes, no hair and just plain sick. So please if you are one of the people that see's me when I am at my worst during treatment try to not look at me that way, please do not make comments regarding how bad I look or treat me as if I am that sick. I have already had visitors that literally cannot look at me in the eyes, my face nothing and it makes me so uncomfortable. If they cannot look at me now that makes me anxious for what the future holds. I just want me to be me the beautiful vibrant and fun woman my boys see me as, not 'the cancer patient'.
I have gotten various negative comments but thankfully no one has asked me when I am dying as other people have gotten that question and I cannot imagine I would have any self restraint before slapping them. Dying is NOT an option! I have two little boys and a great husband. I intend on driving my husband crazy for the rest of his life and being there to dance with my boys at their wedding and to spoil my future Grandchildren. I am 25 and I have a lot of life left to live and more babies to have and I will make it! If anything I will look back on this as the motivator to finally get back on track and follow my dreams and not wait for anything.
So if you are like me and on the journey to defeating breast cancer make sure you never take the support for granted. If you are as lucky as me you will have friends who are willing to do anything for you and family who loves you so much they would gladly trade you places, even though I would never allow it, I feel better knowing I have such selfless people in my corner. As for the people who are negative or say things that hurt your feelings to the point you feel like throwing them through the closest window, ingnore it. They don't know how to react and sometimes people say incredibly stupid things when blindsided with such awful news. Some people also are just stupid and don't have a filter between their brain and thier mouth.
Now for my family and friends, thank you for your incredible support, thoughts and prayers. I appreciate all of you who stand behind me. I could not function everyday without the multitude of support I receive from all of you. A special shout out to N and K for all your help with watching my beautiful boys while I have treatment and go to appointments. You help has been incredible, thank you. An even bigger thank you to my husband. You have been so incredible these last couple weeks. Your help by giving me time to think, and picking up my slack, dealing with my mini meltdowns and crazy emotions has been so incredible. I will never take it for granted, and even if I do not say thank you for every gesture I am thinking it. I love you all and thank you!
Also thank you to the on-line women on the forums. Having the support of other women who are in my position has been invaluable to me.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Under the Knife
In five days I will be tumour free, that is if the cancer hasn't spread. My breast surgeon will be planning a lumpectomy and a sentinal node biospy. I will be having sentinal node dye injections prior to the surgery to outline the affected tissue and which lymphnodes will be removed to biopsy.
For the lumpectomy they will be removing the cancerous tissue and a 10mm margin surrounding the tissue. What we are hoping for is a clear margin in the surrounding tissue so I do not need another surgery to remove more tissue and it also means they get it all if the margins are clear. I will have about a 3 inch scar from the lumpectomy on the upper outter quadrant of my left breast. The surgeon also told me I will most likely have an indent from where the tissue was removed.
The sentinal node biopsy is to remove 3-5 lymphnodes from my left armpit so they can be tested for malignancy. I had my ultrasound yesterday and they said the lymphnodes look clear they are still oval shaped with the fatty hylium which apparently is very positive.
I am hoping for the best with the surgery, and I pray for good news. Surely I have had enough bad news through all of this and the good news can start pouring in...really I welcome ANY good news. They are hoping to release me from the hospital in a day or two, the sooner the better. I am confident I will heal quickly. I am young healthy and ready to heal!! Bring it on, the sooner this is over the better.
For the lumpectomy they will be removing the cancerous tissue and a 10mm margin surrounding the tissue. What we are hoping for is a clear margin in the surrounding tissue so I do not need another surgery to remove more tissue and it also means they get it all if the margins are clear. I will have about a 3 inch scar from the lumpectomy on the upper outter quadrant of my left breast. The surgeon also told me I will most likely have an indent from where the tissue was removed.
The sentinal node biopsy is to remove 3-5 lymphnodes from my left armpit so they can be tested for malignancy. I had my ultrasound yesterday and they said the lymphnodes look clear they are still oval shaped with the fatty hylium which apparently is very positive.
I am hoping for the best with the surgery, and I pray for good news. Surely I have had enough bad news through all of this and the good news can start pouring in...really I welcome ANY good news. They are hoping to release me from the hospital in a day or two, the sooner the better. I am confident I will heal quickly. I am young healthy and ready to heal!! Bring it on, the sooner this is over the better.
Leading up to Diagnosis
The lead up to diagnosis was very fast, and scary after I had the ultrasound. Before the ultrasound I guess everything was usual. I had my routine pap smear and I skipped the breast exam. A couple weeks later I found a lump. I thought it was just from mastitus I has a week earlier so I tried to massage the lump out in the shower. It was still there after a couple weeks so I went to my doctor and asked for a breast exam. He assured me everything was fine and that the lump was nothing to be concerned about, especially at my age. I disagreed with him and told him I would feel more comfortable if the lump was examined. He told me that he would give me a referral for ultrasound but there was no rush because the lump would just dissolve over time.
I waited a several months before getting very worried thast the lump hadnt dissolved and sought a second opinion. He encouraged me to get the ultrasound asap. Two days later I got the ultrasound and had the results a few days after that. My results came back as a lumpo with malignant characteristics. I was instantly terrified. My friends and family all insisted it must be something else as surely someone my age cannot have breast cancer.
My husband flew home from work and the next morning we met with a breast specialist and I had a core biopsy. It is not my fondest memory to date. After that we had a one week wait to get the results. Unfortunately I have "malignant carcinoma of the breast". I was shocked and terrified and in complete disbelief! In all honesty I was in disbelief until I went to the cancer center to recieve my "your Journey" breast cancer information pack 5 days later. Writing my name in a breast cancer journal made everything real. This is going to be really hard, but no one ever said cancer would be easy.
At the moment I find myself very emotional, irritated and stressed and I have so many fears. Even with all that I know I can beat this and I will come out the other end. I just pray I come out smiling and I can get my life back. I know I will have down days and here on this blog I will document almost everything. I really want to be able to share my journey, my highs and my lows so people can really understand or even to help another woman who is struggling with this as well.
I still have a couple weeks before my definative diagnosis. I have had my mammograms, ultrasounds, core biopsy and got my information pack. Surgery is next, and then we wait for results from pathology. Please pray with me for good news. Best case scenario is its non-invasive with no node involvement andf it hasn't spread...fingers crossed!
Thank you for reading my blog and I hope you follow me on this ride, to listen and learn and be there with me every step of the way.
I waited a several months before getting very worried thast the lump hadnt dissolved and sought a second opinion. He encouraged me to get the ultrasound asap. Two days later I got the ultrasound and had the results a few days after that. My results came back as a lumpo with malignant characteristics. I was instantly terrified. My friends and family all insisted it must be something else as surely someone my age cannot have breast cancer.
My husband flew home from work and the next morning we met with a breast specialist and I had a core biopsy. It is not my fondest memory to date. After that we had a one week wait to get the results. Unfortunately I have "malignant carcinoma of the breast". I was shocked and terrified and in complete disbelief! In all honesty I was in disbelief until I went to the cancer center to recieve my "your Journey" breast cancer information pack 5 days later. Writing my name in a breast cancer journal made everything real. This is going to be really hard, but no one ever said cancer would be easy.
At the moment I find myself very emotional, irritated and stressed and I have so many fears. Even with all that I know I can beat this and I will come out the other end. I just pray I come out smiling and I can get my life back. I know I will have down days and here on this blog I will document almost everything. I really want to be able to share my journey, my highs and my lows so people can really understand or even to help another woman who is struggling with this as well.
I still have a couple weeks before my definative diagnosis. I have had my mammograms, ultrasounds, core biopsy and got my information pack. Surgery is next, and then we wait for results from pathology. Please pray with me for good news. Best case scenario is its non-invasive with no node involvement andf it hasn't spread...fingers crossed!
Thank you for reading my blog and I hope you follow me on this ride, to listen and learn and be there with me every step of the way.
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