By now I have informed all of my close friends and family. I think they were the hardest phone calls I ever had to make, telling people you have breast cancer opens a flood gate of emotions and anxiety. I don't want anyone else to hurt, or to worry. I don't want to be the reason why my Mom or my Grandma cries or feels down. I never wanted this to happen, to take away my husbands dream of his recent bussiness trip that had to be cancelled.
It seems that breast cancer has the ability to disappoint and upset everyone in my life not only myself. I don't know whats harder; having to be and look like a cancer patient or having to see how sad the people are around me because I will be a sick cancer patient. This is such devestating news and I still struggle with 'why me' and 'how could this happen'.
I have had many comments and while many people are extrodinarily supportive some really know how to say the wrong thing. I find it very intriguing how people react. It nearly makes me want to take a sociology course on response to negative news. I constantly get the 'Stay positive', 'You are such a strong woman you can beat this', and ' Everything will be ok, you will fight and come out on top'. The other comments however often ask the questions I do not want to face.
I am still processing and thinking about the hard things such as constant vomitting, how I will not be able to get out of bed and losing my hair. Those are the thing that scares me within an inch of my life. I dont want to lose my hair. One friend in particular after I broke the news only a few hours after finding out myself said "Oh my god can I shave your head before you go bald?". I was floored and this really upset me. I had not even considered losing my hair yet or all the things that follow diagnosis. I can't think of anything worse than being like the cancer patient on movies with sunken in eyes, no hair and just plain sick. So please if you are one of the people that see's me when I am at my worst during treatment try to not look at me that way, please do not make comments regarding how bad I look or treat me as if I am that sick. I have already had visitors that literally cannot look at me in the eyes, my face nothing and it makes me so uncomfortable. If they cannot look at me now that makes me anxious for what the future holds. I just want me to be me the beautiful vibrant and fun woman my boys see me as, not 'the cancer patient'.
I have gotten various negative comments but thankfully no one has asked me when I am dying as other people have gotten that question and I cannot imagine I would have any self restraint before slapping them. Dying is NOT an option! I have two little boys and a great husband. I intend on driving my husband crazy for the rest of his life and being there to dance with my boys at their wedding and to spoil my future Grandchildren. I am 25 and I have a lot of life left to live and more babies to have and I will make it! If anything I will look back on this as the motivator to finally get back on track and follow my dreams and not wait for anything.
So if you are like me and on the journey to defeating breast cancer make sure you never take the support for granted. If you are as lucky as me you will have friends who are willing to do anything for you and family who loves you so much they would gladly trade you places, even though I would never allow it, I feel better knowing I have such selfless people in my corner. As for the people who are negative or say things that hurt your feelings to the point you feel like throwing them through the closest window, ingnore it. They don't know how to react and sometimes people say incredibly stupid things when blindsided with such awful news. Some people also are just stupid and don't have a filter between their brain and thier mouth.
Now for my family and friends, thank you for your incredible support, thoughts and prayers. I appreciate all of you who stand behind me. I could not function everyday without the multitude of support I receive from all of you. A special shout out to N and K for all your help with watching my beautiful boys while I have treatment and go to appointments. You help has been incredible, thank you. An even bigger thank you to my husband. You have been so incredible these last couple weeks. Your help by giving me time to think, and picking up my slack, dealing with my mini meltdowns and crazy emotions has been so incredible. I will never take it for granted, and even if I do not say thank you for every gesture I am thinking it. I love you all and thank you!
Also thank you to the on-line women on the forums. Having the support of other women who are in my position has been invaluable to me.
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