Second Thoughts

I am really starting to not want chemotherapy I wish I could say no. I am hating the fact I need chemo, the prospect truely terrifies me. I hate all of it every concept. I am so insecure about everything at the moment and dreading for things to get worse. Cancer sucks, not only am I going to have two 4-inch scars to live with everyday as a constant reminder I get to spend another duration of time bald. The news keeps on getting better because now I will be fat as well. All anyone can say is at least you are alive.....

"Cancer cures vanity" I read that on a facebook status recently, I am sorry but I have to disagree. Vanity is all I can think of, my beautiful hair, my fitness I have worked my butt off for, my healthy looking exterior. All of it will be a thing of the past in 3 short weeks. Its down right depressing and horrible, why me. I guess I could ask that question forever but I won the breast cancer lottery so now I have to cash the cheque and suffer the consequences.

I don't want to lose my hair, I love my hair. I have a wig fitting on Wednesday and I hope it makes me feel better although I doubt it. I know it will make me feel less self conscious but never 'normal'. I don't want to wear a scarf I don't want people knowing. I feel like hiding away until my 'normal' comes back. I just hope after the hair is gone I can get on with things and it comes back quicker than anticipated. Oh and a word for the wise, do not mention my hair, or assistance with shaving it. It is a touchy subject and it makes me feel like crap. I cannot come to terms with it yet so for other people telling me "it's no big deal" doesn't help!

Now on top of everything I get to get really fat. Seriously I would love an excuse but I have worked for MONTHS to get my fitness level up and now I lose it, all of it. I even read an article that the weight gain is purely fat, nothing else just fat. Oh and chemo ages me 10 years in one series of treatment. So I will be fat and in a 35 year old body. They say you gain around 25lbs, lovely.

Nothing could have prepared me for this level of constant disappointment.  I will admit I have been lucky when it comes to the cancer not having spread but I am just tired of bad news. As I said I wish I could change my mind and my second thoughts actually meant something. I know I really have no option if I want to lower my risk of recurrence and death. I just wish I could be cured without losing so much in the process. I am sorry I am in a negative mood. I am sure I will be back to my positive self soon. Sometimes its just hard to concentrate on what you can be thankful for when so much negativity just hangs over you like a bad smell.

I am going to go to a support group next week, they meet once a month so hopefully that will give me some more perspective. I just hope its not as bad as it all seems, although it most likely is. Thanks for listening to me vent, I needed it tonight.