Happy Holidays Everyone

Well I had a fantastic Christmas, well as good can be expected for being in the tropics. I miss snow...I really was dreaming of a white Christmas! I was supposed to be back home in the snow for Christmas but cancer stopped my plans. Oh well maybe next year, Christmas on Australia truly doesn't get the spirit going, I need snow and a fire and hot chocolate.

So as I was saying Christmas was woderful and the kids, my husband and I really did get spoiled. The kids had a ball and were showered in gifts, we had food galore and it was a great day overall. I even got a cuisinart icecream maker, woohoo. I just made some low fat vanilla frozen yogurt and it is amazing!

I have gone 9 days without hair since I shaved it the night I wrote the "hair today gone tomorrow" post. I never lasted until tomorrow. Everywhere I went I ended up with a hair trail, and it was all over the couch so I just got my husnad to buzz cut it. It was a traumatic experience and it really upset me, the tears were definatly flowing. I was so upset my husband finally asked if I was 'ready' my reply "I will never be ready just get it over with". So he did, and it actually hurt to get it all off as my scalp was beyond sensitive from my hair folicles dying or something, my scalp had been hurting for a week before I shaved it. It even hurt for a week after shaving it.

After I shaved it I really struggled, I felt like a man as I didn't feel pretty at all. I was now bald. It was a really hard concept to grasp, I kept reaching for my hair and it wasn't there. It was really upsetting. The first few days without hair I would only get around in my "Beau Beau' or my wig. Now with constant (pretty much every hour) hot flashes from my zoladex induced menopause while I am at home just with the family I just go bald. To be honest I am not completely bald now, I have some patches of buzz cut hair but its very thin and getting thinner by the day. I don't think it will last much longer than a week. My wig is great for when we go somewhere or when I want to feel like me. The "beau beau" is fantastic for around the house, and out and about on those days I can't be bothered sweating in a wig.

Everything else has been going very well. I got my second zoladex injection a week ago and I am due for my round two of chemo in two days. I am not as nervous as last time because I guess I know what to expect. Its not as scary as I thought it would be and I had no adverse side effects last time so I have to just bite the bullet knowing I will feel like crap for a week or so. I just hope I don't end up in hopsital this time with neutropenia. So New Years Eve is my chemo day I will celebrate next year.

Have a Happy New Year!!! I hope you all have your New Year's resolutions and I wish you all the strength and determination to acheive your goals and have a wonderful New Year filled with happiness.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Not only is Hair Today Gone Tomorrow my motto for today but it was also the name of a fundraiser bbq and raffle done by my friends for me in which we raised just over $1200 and we donated a large portion to Breast Cancer Network Australia to provide Women with "My Journey" packs. J and L did one heck of a job organizing and we had some great donations from local business's for the raffle. J shaved her head along with her husband and her mother as well. It really was a show of support for me and other women with breast cancer and amazed me of the length people will go to be supportive. Thank you J and L, you did a great job and I am so sorry it has taken me so long to write this post.

Tomorrow is my day to do my head shave. My hair is coming out in clumps now. On December 16th it started to come out in noticeable amounts. I am in shock I think and it hasn't fully hit me, I can't believe I am going to be bald. My husband will be giving me the buzz cut. I told him to prepare for one very upset me and a lot of tears. I think it will be me a box of chocolates, Kleenex and solitude for a few hours to process. Then I will be getting 'wiggy with it' until my hair grows back.

So I have an awesome wig, and a great 'Beau Beau'. I ordered it from the United States in Florida and it seems great. I will give it a test run once my hair is gone tomorrow. If you are interested in getting one here is the site. http://www.4women.com/  I think they are fantastic because you don't have to tie the scarf, it comes all pre-sewn so if someone knocks on the door I can throw it on and not worry about asking them to wait while I figure out how to tie the darn thing. I will buy a scarf or two and learn to tie, so I have a few options but I think the wig and the beau beau will be really great as a starting point.  I really want to order the 'art addiction brown' one in silk but they are not cheap (but you get what you pay for) so I will have to wait....one at a time unfortunately.

My husband is being very supportive of me losing my hair. He keeps telling me I will still be beautiful (I am not a believer, I loved my long hair). Although the one thing he tells me is how excited he is for all my new looks, he thinks its awesome I can change wigs and scarfs and 'Beau Beau's', so I guess I will have to indulge in the fact that its not everyday you can change your look so much, and try to have fun with it. I will keep trying to tell myself that tomorrow when I do the shave, which I am scared to do.

Wish me luck everyone, I am one nervous chick!

Hair, Reflux and All Things Christmas

Well Christmas is just around the corner and I am super excited. I cannot wait for Christmas, I feel like a kid again...minus the need to stay up all night waiting for Santa Claus. My Christmas eve will be spent with my lovely husband putting together a swing set from 'Santa' for my boys. I have started my Christmas baking, which is very therapeutic by the way and I intend on finishing today and tomorrow so I can get my gift baskets out of the way. I will take pictures of my gift baskets when I finish, I really hope they turn out as well as I want them to.

One person who is on the top of my gift basket list is B, she did a photo shoot with me on Monday. I am so excited to see all the photographs as the sneak peek was fabulous! I got a haircut and when I mean haircut I mean HAIRCUT. I got about 12 inches cut off to make the hair falling out process a little less traumatic. They assure me my hair will be falling out by the handful by December 20th so needless to say I am nervous, yikes! I have a cute little pixie cut now and feel a little like a 10 year old boy but everyone assures me it looks good. My verdict, I LOVE my long hair and intend on growing it all back just as long but this time I will have bangs, I honestly think they suit me.  If I get brave maybe I will post some haircut pics if anyone is interested.

Now as for the reflux I think it will be the death of me. I have been up since 4am and I cannot lay down it is agony. I am taking omeprazol, mylanta and quick eze and I am not sensing an ounce of relief. I have an appointment with my oncologist December 22nd. I can't wait that long so I sent a text to my breast care nurse. I hope she gets back to me quickly and I can just go pick up some better, more effective medication. If I do find a really good reflux medication for the stomach that has been torn apart from chemo I will post it because I think it will be worth its weight in gold if I can find one that's effective. I am sure other people on chemo have this issue as well.

Today I intend on sending Christmas Cards, finishing Christmas shopping and getting the kids photo with Santa. Wish me luck it could be a big day! I hope everyone is enjoying the festive season this year!

Speedy Update!

Just a quick update from me :)

I got a fever and got stuck in hospital for the last 5 days for neutropenia. My nuetrophils were 0.2 so well below the required chemo level of 1.5. This means they dilute my next chemo by 20% and delay it by 5 days which means....I won't be sick for Xmas woohoo!!!!!
I hope to escape hospital tomorrow but they are saying Monday. I have been on iv ab's for the last 5 days so hopefully that's enough.. My levels are slowly creeping up so fingers crossed they are high enough tomorrow.

Have a great weekend everyone! I will do a proper post soon! I am very eager to get home and start my Christmas baking and get into the Christmas spirit :)

Chemo Caught Me After All

I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription. ~Finley Peter Dunne

I just wanted to throw that in for a bit of humour this morning :)

Well the first two days post chemo were relatively good, in comparison with days 3,4 and 5 they were truly a cake walk. The night of day three (or two days post chemo) the chemo really did a number on my stomach. I had the worst heartburn I have EVER experienced and I hope its the worst I will ever experience it was agonizing. I ended up in hospital that night and they tried prescription acid reduction drugs, gastrogel, and normal chewable antacids. Nothing worked so they hooked me up to an IV and gave me oral anaethstetic which made me very nauseous so I ended up with a few different IV anti-nausients. From what the doctor says chemotherapy targets all fast growing cells, not specifically cancer so stomach cells can be adversely affected. I am not on a prescription to stop the production of strong stomach acid twice a day to limit the pain. A few days later and if I don't eat small meals every few hours I get the acid pains but it is getting easier to manage.

The doctor at ER also did some blood tests and I had elevated white blood cell counts so he told me to start my routine anti-biotics (normally start on day 5) a day early because he felt I had an infection brewing. I told him I could feel my throat getting sore and since it was red he just confirmed I needed to start the anti-biotics. Even today my throat is getting worse but I have been on anti-biotics for 48 hours so I will call the oncologist and make sure all is still ok. I don't want the infection to get out of control while I am immunosuppressed, the less complication the better.

On day four I never got out of bed, except to pee and shower. I was so tired and my stomach still hurt so bad and the nausea was an issue. It was a complete right off. Day 3/4 is also when the bone, muscle and joint pain really started to take off. I think that's one of the things I find really hard to deal with as well is the constant pain, everything hurts, even the joints in my fingers. I take panadiene forte (Tylenol 3's) every 6 hours and it doesn't even dent the pain......I don't want to find out what it feels like with no pain relief that's for sure.

All in all chemo is better than I expected. I thought it would be much worse, or at least worse for longer periods of time. It was only about 36 hours where I really struggled and didn't think I could do it anymore. The last couple days have been tough but  do-able. I am dreading the next cycle only because I don't want to have to go through it all again and I am scared of the stomach pain again. I know I will get through it but I can't say I am looking forward to it. I hope the side effects are not too much worse next time around. They say they increase with each cycle but I am praying I am an exception to the rule.  Today insomnia has set in, ever since yesterday afternoon I have the inability to sleep even though I am so tired, I think I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. Hopefully I can nap today! I think I might even go for a walk and take the kids to the park, and get some fresh air and watch my gorgeous boys have some fun!
                   

Chemo Session One, Done and Dusted

Well I had my first chemotherapy treatment yesterday. I am AMAZED I am on this blog typing about my experience already. It had blown me away how well I am taking it so far. Yesterday I felt no different albeit a little more tired than usual and was in bed by 9:30pm.

I was so so scared of side effects while being infused with the chemo but to be honest, I never felt a thing. The worst part was the ice gloves so my fingers nails hopefully don't fall out. It all went very smoothly and I am very impressed at how I handled it like a pro. All that fear for nothing, of and I am sure the Valium had a small role in me not freaking out as much as I anticipated.

Today so far I have been tired, a bit seedy feeling (slightly nauseous) and I have had some joint pain. Other than that it was pretty good. I even managed to get in the car to drive to the ice cream man a few houses down because my little boy had his hopes on Mommy taking him not Dad. I am pretty impressed! I am feeling pretty crummy now so I am about to have a ginger lemon tea and I just took some anti-nausea pills and hopefully that does the trick.

Many people say it can take a couple days for the full effect to hit you, I am hoping that through a combination of prayer and meds it doesn't get much worse except for some expected nasty fatigue. So fingers crossed that a couple more days of lounging around the house and I can feel a little better. I am praying it doesn't hit me too too hard,

Here are some pics of my first chemo session.

 There is the needle that has been put in to access my port.

 My fancy drip hookup so I can be infused with the cancer killing poison

My uncomfortable ice gloves, while I get infused with poison number one. The yucky red stuff!

Well that's as exciting as it gets so far, I am hoping I feel even 80% super soon. Although I am handling it way better than expected I still would like to feel better and more like myself. I hope this tea and an early night does the trick. Thanks again everyone for being here for me, comments always welcome and I appreciated the support!

In Panic Mode...literally!

Well today I had a MAJOR panic attack. It was the scariest thing I have ever had, I literally thought I was going to die. The thing is nothing triggered it, I was happy Christmas shopping with my husband and the kids. All of a sudden I started sweating. I drank some water and tried to walk it off but nothing was working. I told my husband we had to go home but after only a couple minutes in the car I was having trouble breathing and started to tingle and lose sensation in my body and face.

The hospital is a five minute drive from the shopping center so I told my husband I needed to go to the emergency department. By the time I was seen the panic attack was so bad I couldn't breathe, my whole body was in paralysis (I honestly couldn't move even my index finger) and I had tingling all in my face and couldn't move my jaw properly. It was so terrifying. They gave me some Valium to calm me down and kept me for an hour observation. I still felt quite anxious for several hours but I am feeling better now.

I did some googling and the steroid I started today for pre-chemo (dexamethasone) has a side effect of severe panic attacks in 0.11% of cases so I am not sure that that was the cause but I am hoping since it was my first dose and nothing else triggered it. I hope to god I don't have to go through that again it was a nightmare. I have asked my oncologist to prescribe regular anti-anxiety medication for me to pick up tomorrow when I have chemo so I can hopefully prevent that nasty reaction again. I would rather add one more med to my list than deal with such intense anxiety attacks, I have never had anything like that before and hopefully don't ever again.

Chemo Tomorrow 

I start chemo tomorrow so I am very nervous and I am praying that all goes ok and I have minimal side effects and that I can combat the nausea. Wish me luck, I truly hope it goes better than I am expecting. I guess I will put my faith in god and pray that he will help me through this terrible time in my life. Bring on April when 'hopefully' I will be finished chemo and can start radiation and get back to my life!

Port is in, test drive tomorrow

That is where my port is located above my right breast, mine is actually a little lower than that one. It is all under the skin and they just use a needle to access the port in order to adminster chemotherapy.

That is a picture of the use of a port, although I have a different brand so mine is not purple but you get the idea.

The surgery was done under full anesthetic and I woke up in a really bad way. It was worse waking up from a short port surgery than my lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy and axillary dissection combined. I had such a bad reaction to the anesthetic it was awful. Even after two IV anti-nauseants and maxalon when I got home it took me 36 hours to be able to eat and drink. It was really awful. The pain was bad too, panadiene forte (Tylenol 3's) did absolutely nothing. I did take an endone (not realizing it reacts with panadiene forte) and will not make that mistake again. I was terrified I was going to overdose, but never did thank goodness. I will not repeat that error in desperation to escape pain again it freaked me out after I figured out 5 minutes later what I did and I couldn't spew it up. Lesson of the day: Don't mix morphine tablets with codeine!

The only side effect that really scared me was that for 3 days every time I walked around it was like my blood pressure would go up and I would get pain in my jugular vein all the way up to my jaw and I would get short of breath I assume from anxiety). I just had to really relax, which I can never do so I always ended up overdoing it and then being freaked out. I had my appointment and the oncologist said all was well and the pain and pressure went away. I am very curious if anyone else had this issue since I couldn't find it on google. Please comment if you had something similar.

Now 6 days later I feel pretty darn good. The pain is only a bit at the incision site, you can hardly see the port under my skin and all is well. I still think it was the best decision I have made, and I hope the trial run tomorrow is a lot more relaxing that getting stabbed a million times with an IV for them to never get it right and end up with 12 holes in my arm for only 2 successful cannula's like last time.  Apparently from most other cancer patients they all agree, the port is the way to go! We shall see tomorrow!

Menopause is officially on it's way

Well today I got my first Zoladex injection. I now have a hormone pellet the size of a grain of rice under my skin in my stomach that shuts down my ovaries in an effort to protect them from the effects of chemotherapy.

The injection wasn't that bad, they gave me an emla patch 30 minutes prior to the insertion so it only stung a little bit. The worst part is that they preformed it in the chemo suite. I went in they gave me a hospital ID bracelet, and asked me to go into the chemo section where everyone was being infused with poison. It really made me feel uncomfortable, I felt like I didn't belong...the worst part is I really do belong even if I don't want to admit it to myself. What a scary concept, very soon that will be me hooked up to ECG machines and toxic drips and there is not a thing I can do about it.

I have my new Official Chemo Start Date:

December 2nd, 2010

Well thats all from me today. In a sick and twisted way I am looking forward to chemo so it can be over and done with. I have my port insertion tomorrow so hopefully it goes well with minimal pain. I will check in again soon, I hope to not leave the blog for 2 weeks again, sorry folks :)

My Last Couple Weeks In A Nutshell

Well, it has been a wirlwind couple weeks and I appologize for not updating the blog in so long. One reason why I have been so distracted and busy is because I got a cellulitus infection in my axillar from my axillary clearance surgery and I ended up spending 6 days in hospital on IV anti-biotics. I was a bit of a nightmare but I am glad I am home and at least the infection has cleared.

Of course the infection had ramifications and delayed my chemo and port-o-cath insertion. I now start chemo on November 30th or December 1st.  I am also undergoing the zoladex injections for ovarian suppression which I start tomorrow, I am a little worried about getting a drug to put me into menopause but hopefully the symptoms wont be too bad.  Since my port insertion was delayed I am getting it on Friday. I have a busy weekend ahead and chemo is quickly approaching.

I am still very worried about chemo and I find myself very scared of an allergic reaction or severe side effects. I guess I have to find faith from somewhere, mine is dwindling and very sparse nowadays. I do find it hard lately to get excited and find happiness in things. I guess I have a hit a rut. I am sure I will feel better when all of this is behind me. In the beginning I never wanted to let breast cancer get me too far down, I guess I need to get back to that mantra. There are just so many stressful things, and I really miss my sister since she has decided to no longer be a part of my life. I guess the only thing keeping me going is my boys, they really do have the greatest ability to make me smile, they are fantastic.

Well I better run and get some things done. I am updating my ipod and getting somethings organized for Christmas. We are setting our tree up early so I can do it before Chemo and really enjoy it. I really love Christmas and I find myself very excited and I hope Chemo isn't too terrible so I can still enjoy the holidays!

Egg Pick Up Complete

Well yesterday I had my egg pick up. It all went well, they say they aim for 8-10 eggs so they can prevent overstimulation of the ovaries. I got 12 eggs so they say I got a bonus! Hopefully majority fertilize and they grow nicely so I can put a good amount on ice. Its a strange feeling thinking my potentially future children are growing in a petri dish.

The surgery went well, although I was pretty sore waking up. They gave me some good pain killers (phentanol) and let me have a coffee and a sandwhich and sent me home. I only had to take a couple doses of panadiene forte (tylenol 3's) and now I feel fine. I am a bit bloated but nothing too bad. I think it went really well.

I am expecting a phone call before 12pm today to let me know how many have fertilized so I will update soon. I cannot wait until my oncologist calls and lets me know when I can use my embryo's....I am so stoked :)

Thanks so much everyone for following me on my journey. I appreciate all the support!!

I now have an official Chemo Date, yikes!

Ok well I finally have the date where I will be pumped full of poison that will 'hopefully' save my life and keep the cancer out of my body forever.

November 16th, 2010

Thats it the day I am terrified of. I had so many emotions and cried like a baby when the oncologist told me he wants me to start then. The first thing I thought was "oh my god, so soon?" I thought I would have longer to wrap my head around it. I have pretty much ignored the fact that I would need chemo and basically just stayed oblivious and prayed maybe for some miracle I could get away without it. No such luck. So I will have it, as if I had a choice in the matter.

I also had a chemo information session. Talk about a lot of information to digest. There are a MILLION side effects. My white blood cells will plummet to scary levels so thats a given, so my immune system will be essentially non-existant. They give you the usual, "try to avoid small children and crowds"..yeah right because I can avoid my kids. So they have told me to pretty much develop OCD on handwashing and sanitization in the house. I can't eat pretty much anything, not even lettuce (grown in dirt) so basically the pregnant womens guidelines but more strict. I can't do a bunch of things for 10 days post chemo until my blood counts increase. Its pretty freaky the stuff that can happen.

I am keeping a fairly level head and trying to be as positive as possible. I am however getting some valium before my first cycle to calm me down prior to going in. I think I might be a head case otherwise. I also will have my port so I guess I can lose the anxiety about getting jabbed with IV's.

I am very scared and nervous but if it saves my life it will be worth it. So please body let the chemo work and don't let the cancer come back I beg of you!

In case anyone is curious this is trhe chemo I will be on:
Taxotere, Doxorubicin, and Cyclophospharide

Now for the serious stuff

Ok well there have been some changes to my treatment plan. I have found out I am triple negative. That means I have no hormone receptors for my tumour which means I have less options for treatment and hormone therapy doesnt work. So basically if I dont respond to chemotherapy there are no other options. So lets hope chemo kicks my cancer in the butt and I can get on with life. I still need to do more research on triple negative, I am a bit scared and anxious of the unknown so I feel that research may help me overcome some of the anxiety.

Also I have my egg collection on Monday which I am looking forward to, one less procedure. I can't wait to see how many eggs fertilize and freeze well so i know my backup plan is really in effect! So by Monday thats 3 procedures in 6 weeks and I have one more prior to chemo. I am getting a port put in (also referred to as a port-o-cath) to make chemo administration easier. I go in for a smal surgery to get it implanted, basically it is an IV(canular) under my skin that can be acessed by needle and it has a tube being fed into my artery. Apparently they are less painful then IV's (especially with my terrible veins). They also leave the port in for 12 months post chemo just in case.  So two surgeries down, one to go. I am just eager for this to all be finished but I am trying to keep a positive outlook.

I have also been seeing the occupational therapist. I have no signs of lymphodema at this point but I do have lymphatic webbing. I have had some massage sessions and laser sessions and I am hoping I can get this sorted because it is rather painful. It feels like I have a single cord thats too tight stuck in my arm so I cannot straighten my arm without pain. I have to massage several times a day and do more laser therapy. My OT is hoping to 'break' the cord' so i can have relief, which she says will be instant. Here's to hoping :)

An Update...

I have been extremely busy lately. I started my puregon (hormone injections) for embryo storage and its actually a lot easier to jab myself than I accepted. I am now on the last day of hormone injections and I have not turned into a pyscho which makes my husband more than happy, haha. I am very excited to have embryo's on ice and know that I have options. Then I can start chemo and get all of this over with and get on with living my life. I have had people ask if I will try 'naturally' to have children again prior to using IVF, and honestly I don't think I would. I want another baby now, so waiting will be hard enough. I think as soon as the Ocologist gives me the ok I will book into the clinic and tell them to insert the embryo as soon as possible. I hope I get a good amount of eggs at the pick up, fingers crossed.

At the moment I have been so busy with party planning and it was my son's 3rd birthday party on Sunday so I have been baking up a storm. I have made a few too many treats and have been 'supervising' decorations (I am still to sore to do too much labour). I have also been doing treat bags, organizing games, costumes (its a halloween party) and the menu plan. This will be my last big party effort for a while so I have to make a big effort and have lots of fun. I can sleep next week, and at this rate I will need it. I find that giving myself something to look forward to is really helpful mentally, and it helps me keep my mind off the bad stuff and get through each day. I cannot just let myself fall into a funk.

In order to play distraction I also signed up for a cake decorating class which I am really enjoying. Its Monday nigths for 4 weeks. I am a bit disappointed because I may miss the 3rd class because of chemo but I will see how I go. I love making cakes and hope that I can gain some new skilss and really improve my technique.

I am doing pretty well lately distracting myself and I have started back at the gym. I have been doing pump, step and some cardio to get back in the swing of things. I feel fantastic by working on my fitness. I have even managed to eat ZERO sugar or saturated fat for 4 days, which at the rate of my 'oh poor me' choclate addiction for a couple weeks is a big effort. I am rather proud!

Second Thoughts

I am really starting to not want chemotherapy I wish I could say no. I am hating the fact I need chemo, the prospect truely terrifies me. I hate all of it every concept. I am so insecure about everything at the moment and dreading for things to get worse. Cancer sucks, not only am I going to have two 4-inch scars to live with everyday as a constant reminder I get to spend another duration of time bald. The news keeps on getting better because now I will be fat as well. All anyone can say is at least you are alive.....

"Cancer cures vanity" I read that on a facebook status recently, I am sorry but I have to disagree. Vanity is all I can think of, my beautiful hair, my fitness I have worked my butt off for, my healthy looking exterior. All of it will be a thing of the past in 3 short weeks. Its down right depressing and horrible, why me. I guess I could ask that question forever but I won the breast cancer lottery so now I have to cash the cheque and suffer the consequences.

I don't want to lose my hair, I love my hair. I have a wig fitting on Wednesday and I hope it makes me feel better although I doubt it. I know it will make me feel less self conscious but never 'normal'. I don't want to wear a scarf I don't want people knowing. I feel like hiding away until my 'normal' comes back. I just hope after the hair is gone I can get on with things and it comes back quicker than anticipated. Oh and a word for the wise, do not mention my hair, or assistance with shaving it. It is a touchy subject and it makes me feel like crap. I cannot come to terms with it yet so for other people telling me "it's no big deal" doesn't help!

Now on top of everything I get to get really fat. Seriously I would love an excuse but I have worked for MONTHS to get my fitness level up and now I lose it, all of it. I even read an article that the weight gain is purely fat, nothing else just fat. Oh and chemo ages me 10 years in one series of treatment. So I will be fat and in a 35 year old body. They say you gain around 25lbs, lovely.

Nothing could have prepared me for this level of constant disappointment.  I will admit I have been lucky when it comes to the cancer not having spread but I am just tired of bad news. As I said I wish I could change my mind and my second thoughts actually meant something. I know I really have no option if I want to lower my risk of recurrence and death. I just wish I could be cured without losing so much in the process. I am sorry I am in a negative mood. I am sure I will be back to my positive self soon. Sometimes its just hard to concentrate on what you can be thankful for when so much negativity just hangs over you like a bad smell.

I am going to go to a support group next week, they meet once a month so hopefully that will give me some more perspective. I just hope its not as bad as it all seems, although it most likely is. Thanks for listening to me vent, I needed it tonight.

Pain, what pain?

Well surgery is not quite a distant memory but I am glad its over. One day at a time everyone says, and just keep moving forward. Hopefully things are going to move along at a quick pace so I can just beat this and get it over with. I also have some very good news, I saw my surgeon immediately before surgery on Monday and he told me I had clear CT scan, and since my bone scan was clear it means NO SPREAD, zero. I wish I could put a video on here of me doing a happy dance because trust me, that's what I felt like. I feel so much better about my odds knowing the cancer has not spread.

As for surgery I think it went quite well. The title of this post well seriously there is no pain, they severed a nerve so I have no feeling where they cut me. Its a bit funny actually I can poke away and cant feel my arm from my armpit to my elbow. The pain I do get however is a bit agonizing, its just shocks of sharp nerve pain down my arm which is apparently just the nerves healing but ouch! I am supposed to do exercises with my arm but the nerve pinching searing pain is a bit much so I am not doing all of them regularly. I am hoping I have better range of motion and less nerve pain in the next few days so I can do my physio exercises religiously so I can limit my lympodema risk thats the big factor for me. So I am taking pain killers to limit the nerve pain but it is kind of nice to not feel the incision. I am trying my hand at positive thinking, it works a bit. I cannot dwell on every bad thing or I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning.'

I also want to update that I start my fertility injections soon and I am a bit nervous to turn into a crazy woman on all the hormones, my poor poor husband. He is tough though, he can deal with it. So one more dose of anesthetic and I am hopefully finished, I will keep my fingers crossed. I am also so over hospitals I am so eager for this to all be over.

I am also thinking of doing up a list of all the things really helping me through this whole road to recovery and I endeavour to start tomorrow. I would like to do some coping strategies and different techniques, maybe even test out some different alternative therapies to assist with the effects of chemotherapy. I guess I really want to make my mark and possibly help another woman in my shoes. I know its a long shot that this may reach people but I like to think I have the ability to make someones day a little easier by sharing my journey. Who knows maybe one day I will write a book, lol.  Thanks everyone for your fantastic support and thanks Amy for following religiously, it makes my day that you read and stand by me from afar :)

I am thinking of you all, sometimes I feel like its harder for those watching me go through this than it is for me. My heart goes out to my husband who has made more sacrifices than I would care to ask him. I am just thankful my boys are very young and can't grasp the 'cancer' concept yet, although my eldest does try to 'kiss me better' and asks why I am sick when I don't look like it, little darling. Goodnight everyone.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good
Ok well we have made a decision, we are doing IVF in order to save our embryo's for the future so we can safeguard our ability to have more babies. We will start hormone injections next week, my darling husband must be so excited to have wife who will be healing from surgery does up on extra hormones and in pain it could be an interesting couple weeks. They have estimated my Egg Pick Up (EPU) to be around November 1st. I am so so so so happy to be able to have a backup plan as having more babies means so very much to me. The thought of having no more babies made me feel incomplete and heartbroken. More good news is that my oncologist and the head of Oncology in another state thinks I have very very minimal risk of this affecting the cancer as I have low hormone receptors, and the oncologists encouraged it. That is what made us decide its what we wanted to do. The hardest part was coming up with funding but the fertility clinic was very gracious and lowered the amount of cost because I have cancer and we only had one week to come up with a massive amount of money with pretty much zero notice. My fertility specialist is even coming to the hospital (a different hospital from the one she works in) tomorrow for my surgery to see me off, I am completely touched by that gesture as it is not in her job description I am very flattered. Thank you for everyone that is helping see me through this fertility madness, I appreciate the support wholeheartedly!! Also on my 'good' list was mine and my husbands date night. It was so nice to have some time out together and enjoy each others company for dinner and a movie.  It might not happen for a while now. Oh and on a side note I had my pelvic scan and I had no idea but I have PolyCystic Ovaries and a Bicornuate Uterus, which apparently mae it hard to get pregnant. My fertility specialist cannot believe it wasnt picked up sooner as my uterus can cause problems with delivery and requires c-section....well my other two were natural with no issues...so needless to say its strange!
The Bad
Well surgery day is tomorrow and I am nervous, I am worried about healing time which apparently takes longer for a full axillary clearance. I am also worried about the nausea I get from going under, I hate that feeling. I guess I just hope everything goes smoothly and then I guess its not that bad, its necessary and cannot be helped but its not on my fun list. Another thing on my bad list was my CT scan....seriously why does it take FOUR tried to impale my veins with a needle, really four I look like a junky now. She was nice however and let me see the scans, its so cool to see all your organs on the screen, you should try it sometime.  One more bad thing is we went out for a nice date night and they over cooked my steak, and I don't mean overcooked in an impossible to please bitchy customer way but more in a I asked for medium rare and I got well done type way. Naturally I was devastated and took it a bit too much to heart thinking something was trying to ruin my last night out but they gave me a complimentary dessert which  was better than sin and I felt better instantly.
The Ugly
Ok well Thursday night was my worst so far.  I am constantly trying to keep it together, smile and act like having cancer doesn't bother me in a 'well I can't change anything might as well keep on with life' type way. Well that was all fine and dandy until Thursday and then I broke. I have had little cries and pity moments but I was so devastated and scared of being alone because I felt like if I was alone I wouldn't have to pretend to be happy and I might feel an overwhelming sadness. I ended up inside my walk in wardrobe in the dark crying my eyes out hugging a pillow. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone this but I feel if another woman in the same situation needs to know everyone breaks at some point and it may not be pretty but you do come out of it, it might just be worth it to risk the embarrassment. I was just overwhelmed and got a rush of depression that I am normally good at shielding myself from. I cried and felt like crap for most of the night but I do feel better, I enjoy at least one thing everyday even if it as simple as my son telling me he loves me. I broke but it made things easier I guess I just needed to let it out and admit to myself that this will not be easy and it does hurt to have cancer, nothing about it is pretty or glamorous. It certainly isn't a holiday stay in hospital or a good excuse for attention that's for sure, cancer sucks. It may get the better of me for a moment in time but it will never get the better of me for long enough for it to win, of that I am certain.

Well that's all from me for a few days, I have surgery tomorrow and I will check in when I get home. I think its a bit too much to write posts from my iPhone. Well wish me luck :)

Fertility, worth fighting for?

As a pre-menopausal woman, at the age of 25 and two kids down the track I do not feel as if my child bearing journey is over. The fertility specialist I saw today said that every woman has a chip with a number of kids they want, she had a two chip and well I have four. Needless to say if I want to reach my desired amount of bouncing babies I need two more. I feel that I am not finished and that I need to have another baby, my biological clock is screaming at me saying its time.
My biological clock is pressuring me because I really want another baby but then I was diagnosed with DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma in Situ) and that really put a spanner in the works. I feel like I have lost control of my body and I don't 'feel' sick. Its insane I have to undergo treatment and ask permission when I can have another baby and get the 'ok' from my oncologist a few years down the track.

Ok so what are the options? Well I can 'wait and see', use ovarian supression or IVF. I will give a breakdown of my options.
Wait and See
I can undergo chemotherapy and 'wait and see' whether or not the chemotherapy has either thrown me into full early menopause or if I get my menstrual cycles back. The alternative outcome is that I am fertile but my eggs are disfigured and unable to be fertilized. This method doesn't sit well with me to be honest. I do have 80% chance of manintaining my fertility post chemotharapy but is that good enough odds? I am only 25 this should not be a consideration to have my ability to bear children taken away from me, I truly feel robbed.
Ovarian Suppression (Such as Zoladex)
Ovarian suppression is currently in clinical trial in many western countries and I have sent out a few e-mails to the relevant places to see if I qualify for the trial. I also plan to ask my oncologist to refer me for trial as well. Basically ovarian suppression, suppresses the ovaries from producing eggs in an effort to save the eggs and ovaries from damage during chemotherapy. It has not been widely tested to be difinative in assisting maintaing fertiliy but I think it may be worth a shot. I have my fingers crossed for this one.
IVF
I had my appointment with the IVF fertility specialist today and she raised some really great pro's and cons for me. I wont go into the process of IVF but how it pertains to me. IVF is my best shot at safegaurding my chance at having another baby. The problem however is overstimulating my ovaries (very dangerous especially at my age) and another problem is blood clot risk (which is already increased by having cancer and especially dangerous as blood thinners and chemo don't mix). The biggest problem is the fertility drugs they give me to stimulate my ovaries to provide excess eggs (10-12) . These hormones actulally encourage my cancer to spread and grow which is a huge risk. If I decide to forgo the risks and go through IVF I would have to start this cycle which is very risky and I only have days to decide.

So those are my main options, I feel as though I am praying for the trial for ovarian suppression because it doesn't delay my cancer treatment and it doesn't encourage my cancer to grow and spread posing a bigger danger to my life. I would love nothing more than to say the hell with it, get IVF and guarentee my chances but I have two little boys to consider and I think any extra chance at staying alive for my two gorgeous little men is worth the risk of becoming infertile no matter how much it pains me to say this. I want a baby more than anything but I want to watch my little boys grow up more and if I can have another baby and watch all my kids grow up I have hit the jackpot and quite frankly I have been hit with enough bad news so surely I can keep my fertility and have some good news in the end.

I will talk to my oncologist on wednesday and determine his opinion on my options and see if I am eligible for a clinical trial. Also if any of you readers has any input, advice or have tried any treatments please feel free to share by commenting or e-mailing me at pinkribbonmary@gmail.com

I have my bone scan tomorrow so wish me luck for no mets in my bones!!!

A Little Awareness For Young Women!

Well I guess I am in my anger stage, but it makes me ANGRY and a bit upset that EVERY breast cancer awareness poster is "if you are 50 or a above or over 40 with a history of Breast cancer then get regular mammograms". I have never seen anything for 'young' women. I know it is uncommon but seriously us young women under 40 and certainly 20 something's need awareness too. I know http://www.cheekycheckup.com.au/ is trying to raise awareness but I honestly never knew it could happen to women my age. I had no idea, I though maybe in my 30's but certainly not now.

 I declined my breast check at my annual pap smear but then it got me curious so I did a breast check and I felt a lump. Of course I was paranoid and went and saw a doctor within a week. I was told it was nothing of concern and that it would resolve itself over time and it was just from breastfeeding. Still not satisfied I went back and pretty much begged for an ultrasound request. He gave it to me saying how it was unecessary and that it was for my peace of mind only and it would not be covered by medicare. So of course I felt like a hypocondriac and waited 15 weeks before getting it checked since the u/s is over $300. I never wanted to spend that amount of money when the doctor made me sound like a stress case and like I was an unreasonable paranoid hypocondraic. I went to an appointment and asked a new doctor if it was worth getting the ulrasound, he was worried straight away and got me in ther next day for an unltrasound. Within 5 days I was lying on a surgeons table getting a core biopsy and within 9 day of that doctors appointment I got "You have breast cancer".

Bottom line is, DO YOUR BREAST CHECKS. If you feel a lump INVESTIGATE IT. If your doctor thinks its nothing CONFIRM with mammogram or ultrasound. Seriously I waited since April thats over 6 months I could have been treated for and god knows how fast cancer can spread. Be aware of your breasts and NEVER underestimate that you can be a victim of cancer, its unfortunate but true. I never thought it would happen to me, but I got a shock didn't I.

Please tell every woman you know to do self breast checks every month and also by a professional at their yearly pap. Early detection is key. They think they have caught mine early and I pray they have because I have too much at stake, as do all of you. Its too important to ignore!

Please pass this message as early detection can be the difference between life and death. We have too much to live for to let this get the better of us. As for me I have two gorgeous children, and a husband who loves me and great friends and family and I won't give that up for anything!!!

Also a shout out to Charlie for the Awareness Signature!! Thank you so much!

Under the knife....again

Well I jumped the gun on believing I was about to get on the chemo and radiation and get this part of life over and done with. There are a few more steps now. I got a call this afternoon asking me to come straight into hospital discuss my options'. He never gave me good or bad news but just asked me to come in. I get there and he drops it on the table that because I never had a sentinel node I have a greater risk of them not biopsying the right ones. So I have to have a full axillary removal. In other words I need more surgery to remove all of the remaining lymph nodes in my left underarm.

I am not excited about this because I am terrified of developing lymphodema. They have encouraged by telling me only a fraction of women actually develop it and its not as bad as I think it is. I just pray I am not another bad statistic who gets hit with that as well. My surgeon just basically said they want to cure me, not just make it go away temporarily but to cure the cancer. If its hasn't spread I have an incredible chance of surviving this, kicking it in the butt and getting on with my life to raise my boys and continue driving my husband crazy and keeping him on his toes.  The other complication is nerve damage. I am still suffering with some nerve pain from after the first surgery which he says will go away. If they do 'accidentally' hit the nerve they warned me about (forgive me I cannot remember what it is called) I will have problems pulling and climbing as it hinders my muscles. So again I am praying with fingers crossed all is well, they get the lymph nodes, miss my nerves and I escape relatively unscathed with no signs of lymphodema.

In order to have this surgery it complicates my treatment because  I am supposed to have chemo starting within 8 weeks post lumpectomy. So that means I have 6 weeks from now to start. If I have the surgery in 2 weeks I only get 4 weeks recovery from surgery prior to the commencement of chemo which is not ideal. I better heal quickly. Also I had my CT scan and bone scan booked for the 21st, so they changed it for CT scan on the 16th of Oct, and my bone scan on the 18th of Oct followed by surgery on October 25th. I then however got a call saying my breast specialist wasn't impressed with surgery on the 25th and moved it to the 18th  because he wants this done asap and I will get my dates for the bone scan tomorrow. What a crazy ride, everything changes so quickly.  They are pushing everything through so quickly, it makes me worry they are not telling me something. I hope they are not too worried and that everything will be ok in the end.

I did get some good news today my lovely breast care nurse K will be coming to my Oncology appointment. She is great and such a wealth of information. She even managed to get me a script for more morphine tablets just to knock me out so I can sleep at night. I don't take them during the day but when I move the wrong way in my sleep I wake up with horrible nerve pinching pain and when I take those tablets I don't wake up. It makes things easier. One morphine pill overnight can't be that bad for me, sleep is essential. I also met my occupational therapist H, she gave me some good information, alleviated my fears and gave me some scar cream to reduce the appearance of my scar and to promote healing. Its called Kelo-cote advanced formula scar gel. I will let you know if it works.

I then got a phone call from one of the oncology interns basically telling me I need to see a fertility specialist to determine my options to keep my fertility. I have an appointment to go and meet with them and determine my options and hopefully I can just go on zolodex and I can have babies just like before. Fertility is a key concern for me. I am only 25 and I believe its my quality of life to preserve my fertility and have the option to have more children in the future. So on Monday I will have more information on my options for fertility preservation, but of course this is not covered by medicare and could get expensive.

So all in all things are progressing, they are really moving things along. An extra surgery is just one hiccup I suppose, and I can imagine there will be a ton of hiccups by the time this is all finished. I just hope my CT and bone scan are clear and I can get on with chemo, radiation and just beating this thing so I can go back to my life.

Thanks for sticking around and being here for me!

Pathology Results are in....

Ok this is for all of you lovely people who have supported me from the beginning.
I have no idea what all these results mean, all I know is that I need Radiation, chemo and I find out tomorrow if I need another surgery.

I have high grade infiltrating ductal carcinoma measuring 28x24mm. No lymphovascular or perineural invasion is seen.
A) Size: 28x24mm
Grade: 3/3
Clearance margins:
Anterior: 16mm
Posterior: 1mm
Lateral: 8mm
Medial: 8mm
Superior: 17mm
Inferior: 13mm
DCIS: High Grade
Others: Adenosis with lactational change
Hormone Receptors:
Oestrogen Receptor:
-Intensity Score: 1/3
-Proportion Score: 1/5
-Total Score: 2/8
Progesterone Receptor:
-Intensity Score: 1/3
-Proportion Score: 2/5
-Total Score: 3/8
HER-2 (neu): 2+ Negative
B) Three benign and reactive lymph nodes identified, there is no evidence of metistatic disease **big smile**

Ok so those are my results my breast surgeon got called into a meeting so I never got any answers. He will call tomorrow and let me know if I need additional surgery since my posterior margin is less than 1mm. They said surgery was a sucess in the fact they got all of the cancer but the clear margin is great everywhere but posterior so they may want to remove more tissue as a precaution. I meet my oncologist next wednesday and get all my answers regarding chemo and raditation and what type I will need. I also am booked in for CT and bone scan on the 21st. I am happy with the results today as its a good thing no lymph nodes are involved that they can tell, now I just hope CT and bone scan come up clear...fingers are crossed we have had enough bad news I think!

On the me front I am doing well despite being uncomfortable from surgery still. I am a bit upset that I cannot go to the gym for 6 weeks post surgery. I really love the gym and I feel so lazy. Its hard to slow down and take it easy when I feel fantastic depiste the shooting pains in my breast and arm pit. I adore everyone for the flowers, cards and gifts. I have such fantastic friends and family!

Thanks for all the support :)

Ok, I've cleared the first hurdle....bring it on

Well surgery went pretty well, although I am sore I am in pretty good spirits. I will give you a rundown of my surgery day and how I am recovering so far.

Monday morning I showed up to hospital bright and early 7am. At 8:30 I was scheduled for sentinel node injections. They injected radioactive isotope into 4 spots around my tumour and then put me on a machine that shows where the isotope spreads in order to find the sentinel node. However the dye never spread and never showed the sentinel node. My surgeon reassured me the color dye would show the sentinel node and he would inject that after I was put under.

My anesthesiologist was my saviour. She was such a beautiful soul and took such fantastic care of me. I would put my life in her hands any day. She really put me at ease, which is not surprising after I found out she usually works with peads surgery. She took the time to answer my questions, make me feel comfortable and even going so far as to give me an infant IV and swapping it for the big surgery one after I was under anesthetic. She even gave me some Valium type injection which made me laugh so hard I don't even remember being wheeled into surgery, she is my hero. I also asked her to ask a nurse to call my husband when I get to recovery her response was "no, I will call him personally so he is here with you".  Without her I could imagine it being a much more scary experience. I will definitely be sending her a thank you card!

My surgeon has a very good record behind him but his bedside manor was lacking. He is not very good with making me feel comfortable or answering questions but when a really good friend of mine who works at the hospital said if she had any breast issues he is the only one she would trust, it made me feel better. Its funny hot shot surgeons can always afford to have a god complex. He would be the whole package if he took some lessons from my anesthesiologist ;) He told me that the blue dye never worked either, so they just took 4 random lymph nodes. I wish I knew why my lymph nodes never showed up with the color or radioactive dye but surgeons never stick around long enough to answer my questions. Maybe my surgeon uncles could give me a hint.....

I have two big 3inch + incisions one for my lymph nodes and one for the lumpectomy. After surgery the morphine had me so whacked out I forgot to breathe a few times and so I was put on oxygen as my pulse ox got too low. Other than that all has been going well except for the morphine tablets making me super nauseous and having to take heaps of maxalon and feeling like I am going to vomit the last few days. I can't wait until I can stop the pain meds and feel better.

I get my results on the stage of cancer and lymph node involvement on  October 6th, so I am praying I get some good news, it is long overdue. I also have physio and occupational therapy appointments which I will post on my important dates list. I can imagine my diary will be full of appointments for some time.

I have gotten so many flowers and visitors and people are truly being incredible. I owe a big thank you to everyone being here for me. I really missed my boys being in hospital and I am so glad to be home as I missed them like crazy. I am signing off now because I feel a bit yucky from my pain meds, so goodnight and thank you for following me and being supportive of my journey thus far.

Let the Games Begin

Well tomorrow is the big day, surgery. This marks the beginning of my treatment to 'vanquish cancer' from my body, life and soul so I can get on with my life. As of tomorrow I will be cancer free providing it hasn't spread, which is my biggest prayer. Feel free to pray with me, I can use all the help I can get.

I am using the art of distraction to keep myself occupied and my mind off of everything. In addition to that since I am a panicker I get to take a valium tomorrow prior to my sentinal node dye injections, thank god as I am NOT a needle person. The injections are done in nuclear medicine as they are radioactive apparently. The inject the dye into several places in my breast and then wait 45-60 min and then take some x-ray type pictures so they know how much and where to cut and which lymph nides to biopsy. The dye seeks out the first lymph node the cancer would spread to if it has indeed spread so they can remove it and biopsy it. Obviously my hope and prayer is that this node and the ones they remove with it are cancer free so I dont need any additional surgery and can get on with treatment and get on with life as a breast cancer survivor.

So my key distractions techniques are crocheting, painting, The Sims 3, Take 5 puzzle books, and some reading. The funny thing is I haven't been able to read any books that aren't breast cancer research so far, so much for distraction. Everytime I get bored of one activity I switch which has really been helping and when I can't be bothered indulging my creative side, I play with my gorgeous boys or I nap.  I also feel like like I have spent half of my life on the phone lately, but its great to be able to chat to family and friends.

I am feeling pretty good about everything today, albeit I am very nervous about surgery tomorrow. I think firday was my worst day so far. They told me I have a grade 3 tumour which made me panick and I was sure I was going to die. I then found out that its very very common for pre-menopausal women to have grade 3 tumours becuase of the excess hormones which typically breast tumours feed off of and that it is most definately not a death sentance its very fixable especially if it hasnt spread. The grade is not the stage, the stage will be determined after surgery, when they see if there is nodal involvement or spreading. I am hoping for grade 2 (the grades go from 1-4), grade 2 has pretty much a 88% sucess rate. The stage is just  how much the cancer has affected the cells, and my cancer is invasive and aggressive as it has changed the cells at a rapid rate. I am confident everything will be ok, for today anyways. I will always have bad days where I feel insecure, and scared but I just remind myself I have too many people on my side that nothing can go wrong. I have beat the odds on many occasions so I can beat them again.

I love the quote from a family e-mail "You are a very determined girl and have proven that time and time again. You can beat this" It made me feel great because its nice to know people believe in me. Thank you!

Telling friends, and family and the backlash that follows

By now I have informed all of my close friends and family. I think they were the hardest phone calls I ever had to make, telling people you have breast cancer opens a flood gate of emotions and anxiety. I don't want anyone else to hurt, or to worry. I don't want to be the reason why my Mom or my Grandma cries or feels down. I never wanted this to happen, to take away my husbands dream of his recent bussiness trip that had to be cancelled.

It seems that breast cancer has the ability to disappoint and upset everyone in my life not only myself. I don't know whats harder; having to be and look like a cancer patient or having to see how sad the people are around me because I will be a sick cancer patient. This is such devestating news and I still struggle with 'why me' and 'how could this happen'.

I have had many comments and while many people are extrodinarily supportive some really know how to say the wrong thing. I find it very intriguing how people react. It nearly makes me want to take a sociology course on response to negative news. I constantly get the 'Stay positive', 'You are such a strong woman you can beat this', and ' Everything will be ok, you will fight and come out on top'. The other comments however often ask the questions I do not want to face.

I am still processing and thinking about the hard things such as constant vomitting, how I will not be able to get out of bed and losing my hair. Those are the thing that scares me within an inch of my life. I dont want to lose my hair. One friend in particular after I broke the news only a few hours after finding out myself said "Oh my god can I shave your head before you go bald?". I was floored and this really upset me. I had not even considered losing my hair yet or all the things that follow diagnosis.  I can't think of anything worse than being like the cancer patient on movies with sunken in eyes, no hair and just plain sick. So please if you are one of the people that see's me when I am at my worst during treatment try to not look at me that way, please do not make comments regarding how bad I look or treat me as if I am that sick.  I have already had visitors that literally cannot look at me in the eyes, my face nothing and it makes me so uncomfortable. If they cannot look at me now that makes me anxious for what the future holds. I just want me to be me the beautiful vibrant and fun woman my boys see me as, not 'the cancer patient'.

I have gotten various negative comments but thankfully no one has asked me when I am dying as other people have gotten that question and I cannot imagine I would have any self restraint before slapping them. Dying is NOT an option! I have two little boys and a great husband. I intend on driving my husband crazy for the rest of his life and being there to dance with my boys at their wedding and to spoil my future Grandchildren. I am 25 and I have a lot of life left to live and more babies to have and I will make it! If anything I will look back on this as the motivator to finally get back on track and follow my dreams and not wait for anything.

So if you are like me and on the journey to defeating breast cancer make sure you never take the support for granted. If you are as lucky as me you will have friends who are willing to do anything for you and family who loves you so much they would gladly trade you places, even though I would never allow it, I feel better knowing I have such selfless people in my corner. As for the people who are negative or say things that hurt your feelings to the point you feel like throwing them through the closest window, ingnore it. They don't know how to react and sometimes people say incredibly stupid things when blindsided with such awful news. Some people also are just stupid and don't have a filter between their brain and thier mouth.

Now for my family and friends, thank you for your incredible support, thoughts and prayers. I appreciate all of you who stand behind me. I could not function everyday without the multitude of support I receive from all of you. A special shout out to N and K for all your help with watching my beautiful boys while I have treatment and go to appointments. You help has been incredible, thank you. An even bigger thank you to my husband. You have been so incredible these last couple weeks. Your help by giving me time to think, and picking up my slack, dealing with my mini meltdowns and crazy emotions has been so incredible. I will never take it for granted, and even if I do not say thank you for every gesture I am thinking it. I love you all and thank you!

Also thank you to the on-line women on the forums.  Having the support of other women who are in my position has been invaluable to me.

Under the Knife

In five days I will be tumour free, that is if the cancer hasn't spread.  My breast surgeon will be planning a lumpectomy and a sentinal node biospy.  I will be having sentinal node dye injections prior to the surgery to outline the affected tissue and which lymphnodes will be removed to biopsy.

For the lumpectomy they will be removing the cancerous tissue and a 10mm margin surrounding the tissue. What we are hoping for is a clear margin in the surrounding tissue so I do not need another surgery to remove more tissue and it also means they get it all if the margins are clear. I will have about a 3 inch scar from the lumpectomy on the upper outter quadrant of my left breast. The surgeon also told me I will most likely have an indent from where the tissue was removed.

The sentinal node biopsy is to remove 3-5 lymphnodes from my left armpit so they can be tested for malignancy. I had my ultrasound yesterday and they said the lymphnodes look clear they are still oval shaped with the fatty hylium which apparently is very positive.

I am hoping for the best with the surgery, and I pray for good news. Surely I have had enough bad news through all of this and the good news can start pouring in...really I welcome ANY good news. They are hoping to release me from the hospital in a day or two, the sooner the better. I am confident I will heal quickly. I am young healthy and ready to heal!! Bring it on, the sooner this is over the better.

Leading up to Diagnosis

The lead up to diagnosis was very fast, and scary after I had the ultrasound. Before the ultrasound I guess everything was usual. I had my routine pap smear and I skipped the breast exam. A couple weeks later I found a lump. I thought it was just from mastitus I has a week earlier so I tried to massage the lump out in the shower. It was still there after a couple weeks so I went to my doctor and asked for a breast exam. He assured me everything was fine and that the lump was nothing to be concerned about, especially at my age. I disagreed with him and told him I would feel more comfortable if the lump was examined. He told me that he would give me a referral for ultrasound but there was no rush because the lump would just dissolve over time. 

I waited a several months before getting very worried thast the lump hadnt dissolved and sought a second opinion. He encouraged me to get the ultrasound asap. Two days later I got the ultrasound and had the results a few days after that. My results came back as a lumpo with malignant characteristics. I was instantly terrified. My friends and family all insisted it must be something else as surely someone my age cannot have breast cancer.

My husband flew home from work and the next morning we met with a breast specialist and I had a core biopsy. It is not my fondest memory to date. After that we had a one week wait to get the results. Unfortunately I have "malignant carcinoma of the breast". I was shocked and terrified and in complete disbelief! In all honesty I was in disbelief until I went to the cancer center to recieve my "your Journey" breast cancer information pack 5 days later. Writing my name in a breast cancer journal made everything real. This is going to be really hard, but no one ever said cancer would be easy.

At the moment I find myself very emotional, irritated and stressed and I have so many fears. Even with all that I know I can beat this and I will come out the other end. I just pray I come out smiling and I can get my life back. I know I will have down days and here on this blog I will document almost everything. I really want to be able to share my journey, my highs and my lows so people can really understand or even to help another woman who is struggling with this as well.

I still have a couple weeks before my definative diagnosis. I have had my mammograms, ultrasounds, core biopsy and got my information pack. Surgery is next, and then we wait for results from pathology. Please pray with me for good news. Best case scenario is its non-invasive with no node involvement andf it hasn't spread...fingers crossed!

Thank you for reading my blog and I hope you follow me on this ride, to listen and learn and be there with me every step of the way.