Second Thoughts

I am really starting to not want chemotherapy I wish I could say no. I am hating the fact I need chemo, the prospect truely terrifies me. I hate all of it every concept. I am so insecure about everything at the moment and dreading for things to get worse. Cancer sucks, not only am I going to have two 4-inch scars to live with everyday as a constant reminder I get to spend another duration of time bald. The news keeps on getting better because now I will be fat as well. All anyone can say is at least you are alive.....

"Cancer cures vanity" I read that on a facebook status recently, I am sorry but I have to disagree. Vanity is all I can think of, my beautiful hair, my fitness I have worked my butt off for, my healthy looking exterior. All of it will be a thing of the past in 3 short weeks. Its down right depressing and horrible, why me. I guess I could ask that question forever but I won the breast cancer lottery so now I have to cash the cheque and suffer the consequences.

I don't want to lose my hair, I love my hair. I have a wig fitting on Wednesday and I hope it makes me feel better although I doubt it. I know it will make me feel less self conscious but never 'normal'. I don't want to wear a scarf I don't want people knowing. I feel like hiding away until my 'normal' comes back. I just hope after the hair is gone I can get on with things and it comes back quicker than anticipated. Oh and a word for the wise, do not mention my hair, or assistance with shaving it. It is a touchy subject and it makes me feel like crap. I cannot come to terms with it yet so for other people telling me "it's no big deal" doesn't help!

Now on top of everything I get to get really fat. Seriously I would love an excuse but I have worked for MONTHS to get my fitness level up and now I lose it, all of it. I even read an article that the weight gain is purely fat, nothing else just fat. Oh and chemo ages me 10 years in one series of treatment. So I will be fat and in a 35 year old body. They say you gain around 25lbs, lovely.

Nothing could have prepared me for this level of constant disappointment.  I will admit I have been lucky when it comes to the cancer not having spread but I am just tired of bad news. As I said I wish I could change my mind and my second thoughts actually meant something. I know I really have no option if I want to lower my risk of recurrence and death. I just wish I could be cured without losing so much in the process. I am sorry I am in a negative mood. I am sure I will be back to my positive self soon. Sometimes its just hard to concentrate on what you can be thankful for when so much negativity just hangs over you like a bad smell.

I am going to go to a support group next week, they meet once a month so hopefully that will give me some more perspective. I just hope its not as bad as it all seems, although it most likely is. Thanks for listening to me vent, I needed it tonight.

Pain, what pain?

Well surgery is not quite a distant memory but I am glad its over. One day at a time everyone says, and just keep moving forward. Hopefully things are going to move along at a quick pace so I can just beat this and get it over with. I also have some very good news, I saw my surgeon immediately before surgery on Monday and he told me I had clear CT scan, and since my bone scan was clear it means NO SPREAD, zero. I wish I could put a video on here of me doing a happy dance because trust me, that's what I felt like. I feel so much better about my odds knowing the cancer has not spread.

As for surgery I think it went quite well. The title of this post well seriously there is no pain, they severed a nerve so I have no feeling where they cut me. Its a bit funny actually I can poke away and cant feel my arm from my armpit to my elbow. The pain I do get however is a bit agonizing, its just shocks of sharp nerve pain down my arm which is apparently just the nerves healing but ouch! I am supposed to do exercises with my arm but the nerve pinching searing pain is a bit much so I am not doing all of them regularly. I am hoping I have better range of motion and less nerve pain in the next few days so I can do my physio exercises religiously so I can limit my lympodema risk thats the big factor for me. So I am taking pain killers to limit the nerve pain but it is kind of nice to not feel the incision. I am trying my hand at positive thinking, it works a bit. I cannot dwell on every bad thing or I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning.'

I also want to update that I start my fertility injections soon and I am a bit nervous to turn into a crazy woman on all the hormones, my poor poor husband. He is tough though, he can deal with it. So one more dose of anesthetic and I am hopefully finished, I will keep my fingers crossed. I am also so over hospitals I am so eager for this to all be over.

I am also thinking of doing up a list of all the things really helping me through this whole road to recovery and I endeavour to start tomorrow. I would like to do some coping strategies and different techniques, maybe even test out some different alternative therapies to assist with the effects of chemotherapy. I guess I really want to make my mark and possibly help another woman in my shoes. I know its a long shot that this may reach people but I like to think I have the ability to make someones day a little easier by sharing my journey. Who knows maybe one day I will write a book, lol.  Thanks everyone for your fantastic support and thanks Amy for following religiously, it makes my day that you read and stand by me from afar :)

I am thinking of you all, sometimes I feel like its harder for those watching me go through this than it is for me. My heart goes out to my husband who has made more sacrifices than I would care to ask him. I am just thankful my boys are very young and can't grasp the 'cancer' concept yet, although my eldest does try to 'kiss me better' and asks why I am sick when I don't look like it, little darling. Goodnight everyone.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good
Ok well we have made a decision, we are doing IVF in order to save our embryo's for the future so we can safeguard our ability to have more babies. We will start hormone injections next week, my darling husband must be so excited to have wife who will be healing from surgery does up on extra hormones and in pain it could be an interesting couple weeks. They have estimated my Egg Pick Up (EPU) to be around November 1st. I am so so so so happy to be able to have a backup plan as having more babies means so very much to me. The thought of having no more babies made me feel incomplete and heartbroken. More good news is that my oncologist and the head of Oncology in another state thinks I have very very minimal risk of this affecting the cancer as I have low hormone receptors, and the oncologists encouraged it. That is what made us decide its what we wanted to do. The hardest part was coming up with funding but the fertility clinic was very gracious and lowered the amount of cost because I have cancer and we only had one week to come up with a massive amount of money with pretty much zero notice. My fertility specialist is even coming to the hospital (a different hospital from the one she works in) tomorrow for my surgery to see me off, I am completely touched by that gesture as it is not in her job description I am very flattered. Thank you for everyone that is helping see me through this fertility madness, I appreciate the support wholeheartedly!! Also on my 'good' list was mine and my husbands date night. It was so nice to have some time out together and enjoy each others company for dinner and a movie.  It might not happen for a while now. Oh and on a side note I had my pelvic scan and I had no idea but I have PolyCystic Ovaries and a Bicornuate Uterus, which apparently mae it hard to get pregnant. My fertility specialist cannot believe it wasnt picked up sooner as my uterus can cause problems with delivery and requires c-section....well my other two were natural with no issues...so needless to say its strange!
The Bad
Well surgery day is tomorrow and I am nervous, I am worried about healing time which apparently takes longer for a full axillary clearance. I am also worried about the nausea I get from going under, I hate that feeling. I guess I just hope everything goes smoothly and then I guess its not that bad, its necessary and cannot be helped but its not on my fun list. Another thing on my bad list was my CT scan....seriously why does it take FOUR tried to impale my veins with a needle, really four I look like a junky now. She was nice however and let me see the scans, its so cool to see all your organs on the screen, you should try it sometime.  One more bad thing is we went out for a nice date night and they over cooked my steak, and I don't mean overcooked in an impossible to please bitchy customer way but more in a I asked for medium rare and I got well done type way. Naturally I was devastated and took it a bit too much to heart thinking something was trying to ruin my last night out but they gave me a complimentary dessert which  was better than sin and I felt better instantly.
The Ugly
Ok well Thursday night was my worst so far.  I am constantly trying to keep it together, smile and act like having cancer doesn't bother me in a 'well I can't change anything might as well keep on with life' type way. Well that was all fine and dandy until Thursday and then I broke. I have had little cries and pity moments but I was so devastated and scared of being alone because I felt like if I was alone I wouldn't have to pretend to be happy and I might feel an overwhelming sadness. I ended up inside my walk in wardrobe in the dark crying my eyes out hugging a pillow. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone this but I feel if another woman in the same situation needs to know everyone breaks at some point and it may not be pretty but you do come out of it, it might just be worth it to risk the embarrassment. I was just overwhelmed and got a rush of depression that I am normally good at shielding myself from. I cried and felt like crap for most of the night but I do feel better, I enjoy at least one thing everyday even if it as simple as my son telling me he loves me. I broke but it made things easier I guess I just needed to let it out and admit to myself that this will not be easy and it does hurt to have cancer, nothing about it is pretty or glamorous. It certainly isn't a holiday stay in hospital or a good excuse for attention that's for sure, cancer sucks. It may get the better of me for a moment in time but it will never get the better of me for long enough for it to win, of that I am certain.

Well that's all from me for a few days, I have surgery tomorrow and I will check in when I get home. I think its a bit too much to write posts from my iPhone. Well wish me luck :)

Fertility, worth fighting for?

As a pre-menopausal woman, at the age of 25 and two kids down the track I do not feel as if my child bearing journey is over. The fertility specialist I saw today said that every woman has a chip with a number of kids they want, she had a two chip and well I have four. Needless to say if I want to reach my desired amount of bouncing babies I need two more. I feel that I am not finished and that I need to have another baby, my biological clock is screaming at me saying its time.
My biological clock is pressuring me because I really want another baby but then I was diagnosed with DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma in Situ) and that really put a spanner in the works. I feel like I have lost control of my body and I don't 'feel' sick. Its insane I have to undergo treatment and ask permission when I can have another baby and get the 'ok' from my oncologist a few years down the track.

Ok so what are the options? Well I can 'wait and see', use ovarian supression or IVF. I will give a breakdown of my options.
Wait and See
I can undergo chemotherapy and 'wait and see' whether or not the chemotherapy has either thrown me into full early menopause or if I get my menstrual cycles back. The alternative outcome is that I am fertile but my eggs are disfigured and unable to be fertilized. This method doesn't sit well with me to be honest. I do have 80% chance of manintaining my fertility post chemotharapy but is that good enough odds? I am only 25 this should not be a consideration to have my ability to bear children taken away from me, I truly feel robbed.
Ovarian Suppression (Such as Zoladex)
Ovarian suppression is currently in clinical trial in many western countries and I have sent out a few e-mails to the relevant places to see if I qualify for the trial. I also plan to ask my oncologist to refer me for trial as well. Basically ovarian suppression, suppresses the ovaries from producing eggs in an effort to save the eggs and ovaries from damage during chemotherapy. It has not been widely tested to be difinative in assisting maintaing fertiliy but I think it may be worth a shot. I have my fingers crossed for this one.
IVF
I had my appointment with the IVF fertility specialist today and she raised some really great pro's and cons for me. I wont go into the process of IVF but how it pertains to me. IVF is my best shot at safegaurding my chance at having another baby. The problem however is overstimulating my ovaries (very dangerous especially at my age) and another problem is blood clot risk (which is already increased by having cancer and especially dangerous as blood thinners and chemo don't mix). The biggest problem is the fertility drugs they give me to stimulate my ovaries to provide excess eggs (10-12) . These hormones actulally encourage my cancer to spread and grow which is a huge risk. If I decide to forgo the risks and go through IVF I would have to start this cycle which is very risky and I only have days to decide.

So those are my main options, I feel as though I am praying for the trial for ovarian suppression because it doesn't delay my cancer treatment and it doesn't encourage my cancer to grow and spread posing a bigger danger to my life. I would love nothing more than to say the hell with it, get IVF and guarentee my chances but I have two little boys to consider and I think any extra chance at staying alive for my two gorgeous little men is worth the risk of becoming infertile no matter how much it pains me to say this. I want a baby more than anything but I want to watch my little boys grow up more and if I can have another baby and watch all my kids grow up I have hit the jackpot and quite frankly I have been hit with enough bad news so surely I can keep my fertility and have some good news in the end.

I will talk to my oncologist on wednesday and determine his opinion on my options and see if I am eligible for a clinical trial. Also if any of you readers has any input, advice or have tried any treatments please feel free to share by commenting or e-mailing me at pinkribbonmary@gmail.com

I have my bone scan tomorrow so wish me luck for no mets in my bones!!!

A Little Awareness For Young Women!

Well I guess I am in my anger stage, but it makes me ANGRY and a bit upset that EVERY breast cancer awareness poster is "if you are 50 or a above or over 40 with a history of Breast cancer then get regular mammograms". I have never seen anything for 'young' women. I know it is uncommon but seriously us young women under 40 and certainly 20 something's need awareness too. I know http://www.cheekycheckup.com.au/ is trying to raise awareness but I honestly never knew it could happen to women my age. I had no idea, I though maybe in my 30's but certainly not now.

 I declined my breast check at my annual pap smear but then it got me curious so I did a breast check and I felt a lump. Of course I was paranoid and went and saw a doctor within a week. I was told it was nothing of concern and that it would resolve itself over time and it was just from breastfeeding. Still not satisfied I went back and pretty much begged for an ultrasound request. He gave it to me saying how it was unecessary and that it was for my peace of mind only and it would not be covered by medicare. So of course I felt like a hypocondriac and waited 15 weeks before getting it checked since the u/s is over $300. I never wanted to spend that amount of money when the doctor made me sound like a stress case and like I was an unreasonable paranoid hypocondraic. I went to an appointment and asked a new doctor if it was worth getting the ulrasound, he was worried straight away and got me in ther next day for an unltrasound. Within 5 days I was lying on a surgeons table getting a core biopsy and within 9 day of that doctors appointment I got "You have breast cancer".

Bottom line is, DO YOUR BREAST CHECKS. If you feel a lump INVESTIGATE IT. If your doctor thinks its nothing CONFIRM with mammogram or ultrasound. Seriously I waited since April thats over 6 months I could have been treated for and god knows how fast cancer can spread. Be aware of your breasts and NEVER underestimate that you can be a victim of cancer, its unfortunate but true. I never thought it would happen to me, but I got a shock didn't I.

Please tell every woman you know to do self breast checks every month and also by a professional at their yearly pap. Early detection is key. They think they have caught mine early and I pray they have because I have too much at stake, as do all of you. Its too important to ignore!

Please pass this message as early detection can be the difference between life and death. We have too much to live for to let this get the better of us. As for me I have two gorgeous children, and a husband who loves me and great friends and family and I won't give that up for anything!!!

Also a shout out to Charlie for the Awareness Signature!! Thank you so much!

Under the knife....again

Well I jumped the gun on believing I was about to get on the chemo and radiation and get this part of life over and done with. There are a few more steps now. I got a call this afternoon asking me to come straight into hospital discuss my options'. He never gave me good or bad news but just asked me to come in. I get there and he drops it on the table that because I never had a sentinel node I have a greater risk of them not biopsying the right ones. So I have to have a full axillary removal. In other words I need more surgery to remove all of the remaining lymph nodes in my left underarm.

I am not excited about this because I am terrified of developing lymphodema. They have encouraged by telling me only a fraction of women actually develop it and its not as bad as I think it is. I just pray I am not another bad statistic who gets hit with that as well. My surgeon just basically said they want to cure me, not just make it go away temporarily but to cure the cancer. If its hasn't spread I have an incredible chance of surviving this, kicking it in the butt and getting on with my life to raise my boys and continue driving my husband crazy and keeping him on his toes.  The other complication is nerve damage. I am still suffering with some nerve pain from after the first surgery which he says will go away. If they do 'accidentally' hit the nerve they warned me about (forgive me I cannot remember what it is called) I will have problems pulling and climbing as it hinders my muscles. So again I am praying with fingers crossed all is well, they get the lymph nodes, miss my nerves and I escape relatively unscathed with no signs of lymphodema.

In order to have this surgery it complicates my treatment because  I am supposed to have chemo starting within 8 weeks post lumpectomy. So that means I have 6 weeks from now to start. If I have the surgery in 2 weeks I only get 4 weeks recovery from surgery prior to the commencement of chemo which is not ideal. I better heal quickly. Also I had my CT scan and bone scan booked for the 21st, so they changed it for CT scan on the 16th of Oct, and my bone scan on the 18th of Oct followed by surgery on October 25th. I then however got a call saying my breast specialist wasn't impressed with surgery on the 25th and moved it to the 18th  because he wants this done asap and I will get my dates for the bone scan tomorrow. What a crazy ride, everything changes so quickly.  They are pushing everything through so quickly, it makes me worry they are not telling me something. I hope they are not too worried and that everything will be ok in the end.

I did get some good news today my lovely breast care nurse K will be coming to my Oncology appointment. She is great and such a wealth of information. She even managed to get me a script for more morphine tablets just to knock me out so I can sleep at night. I don't take them during the day but when I move the wrong way in my sleep I wake up with horrible nerve pinching pain and when I take those tablets I don't wake up. It makes things easier. One morphine pill overnight can't be that bad for me, sleep is essential. I also met my occupational therapist H, she gave me some good information, alleviated my fears and gave me some scar cream to reduce the appearance of my scar and to promote healing. Its called Kelo-cote advanced formula scar gel. I will let you know if it works.

I then got a phone call from one of the oncology interns basically telling me I need to see a fertility specialist to determine my options to keep my fertility. I have an appointment to go and meet with them and determine my options and hopefully I can just go on zolodex and I can have babies just like before. Fertility is a key concern for me. I am only 25 and I believe its my quality of life to preserve my fertility and have the option to have more children in the future. So on Monday I will have more information on my options for fertility preservation, but of course this is not covered by medicare and could get expensive.

So all in all things are progressing, they are really moving things along. An extra surgery is just one hiccup I suppose, and I can imagine there will be a ton of hiccups by the time this is all finished. I just hope my CT and bone scan are clear and I can get on with chemo, radiation and just beating this thing so I can go back to my life.

Thanks for sticking around and being here for me!

Pathology Results are in....

Ok this is for all of you lovely people who have supported me from the beginning.
I have no idea what all these results mean, all I know is that I need Radiation, chemo and I find out tomorrow if I need another surgery.

I have high grade infiltrating ductal carcinoma measuring 28x24mm. No lymphovascular or perineural invasion is seen.
A) Size: 28x24mm
Grade: 3/3
Clearance margins:
Anterior: 16mm
Posterior: 1mm
Lateral: 8mm
Medial: 8mm
Superior: 17mm
Inferior: 13mm
DCIS: High Grade
Others: Adenosis with lactational change
Hormone Receptors:
Oestrogen Receptor:
-Intensity Score: 1/3
-Proportion Score: 1/5
-Total Score: 2/8
Progesterone Receptor:
-Intensity Score: 1/3
-Proportion Score: 2/5
-Total Score: 3/8
HER-2 (neu): 2+ Negative
B) Three benign and reactive lymph nodes identified, there is no evidence of metistatic disease **big smile**

Ok so those are my results my breast surgeon got called into a meeting so I never got any answers. He will call tomorrow and let me know if I need additional surgery since my posterior margin is less than 1mm. They said surgery was a sucess in the fact they got all of the cancer but the clear margin is great everywhere but posterior so they may want to remove more tissue as a precaution. I meet my oncologist next wednesday and get all my answers regarding chemo and raditation and what type I will need. I also am booked in for CT and bone scan on the 21st. I am happy with the results today as its a good thing no lymph nodes are involved that they can tell, now I just hope CT and bone scan come up clear...fingers are crossed we have had enough bad news I think!

On the me front I am doing well despite being uncomfortable from surgery still. I am a bit upset that I cannot go to the gym for 6 weeks post surgery. I really love the gym and I feel so lazy. Its hard to slow down and take it easy when I feel fantastic depiste the shooting pains in my breast and arm pit. I adore everyone for the flowers, cards and gifts. I have such fantastic friends and family!

Thanks for all the support :)