The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good
Ok well we have made a decision, we are doing IVF in order to save our embryo's for the future so we can safeguard our ability to have more babies. We will start hormone injections next week, my darling husband must be so excited to have wife who will be healing from surgery does up on extra hormones and in pain it could be an interesting couple weeks. They have estimated my Egg Pick Up (EPU) to be around November 1st. I am so so so so happy to be able to have a backup plan as having more babies means so very much to me. The thought of having no more babies made me feel incomplete and heartbroken. More good news is that my oncologist and the head of Oncology in another state thinks I have very very minimal risk of this affecting the cancer as I have low hormone receptors, and the oncologists encouraged it. That is what made us decide its what we wanted to do. The hardest part was coming up with funding but the fertility clinic was very gracious and lowered the amount of cost because I have cancer and we only had one week to come up with a massive amount of money with pretty much zero notice. My fertility specialist is even coming to the hospital (a different hospital from the one she works in) tomorrow for my surgery to see me off, I am completely touched by that gesture as it is not in her job description I am very flattered. Thank you for everyone that is helping see me through this fertility madness, I appreciate the support wholeheartedly!! Also on my 'good' list was mine and my husbands date night. It was so nice to have some time out together and enjoy each others company for dinner and a movie.  It might not happen for a while now. Oh and on a side note I had my pelvic scan and I had no idea but I have PolyCystic Ovaries and a Bicornuate Uterus, which apparently mae it hard to get pregnant. My fertility specialist cannot believe it wasnt picked up sooner as my uterus can cause problems with delivery and requires c-section....well my other two were natural with no issues...so needless to say its strange!
The Bad
Well surgery day is tomorrow and I am nervous, I am worried about healing time which apparently takes longer for a full axillary clearance. I am also worried about the nausea I get from going under, I hate that feeling. I guess I just hope everything goes smoothly and then I guess its not that bad, its necessary and cannot be helped but its not on my fun list. Another thing on my bad list was my CT scan....seriously why does it take FOUR tried to impale my veins with a needle, really four I look like a junky now. She was nice however and let me see the scans, its so cool to see all your organs on the screen, you should try it sometime.  One more bad thing is we went out for a nice date night and they over cooked my steak, and I don't mean overcooked in an impossible to please bitchy customer way but more in a I asked for medium rare and I got well done type way. Naturally I was devastated and took it a bit too much to heart thinking something was trying to ruin my last night out but they gave me a complimentary dessert which  was better than sin and I felt better instantly.
The Ugly
Ok well Thursday night was my worst so far.  I am constantly trying to keep it together, smile and act like having cancer doesn't bother me in a 'well I can't change anything might as well keep on with life' type way. Well that was all fine and dandy until Thursday and then I broke. I have had little cries and pity moments but I was so devastated and scared of being alone because I felt like if I was alone I wouldn't have to pretend to be happy and I might feel an overwhelming sadness. I ended up inside my walk in wardrobe in the dark crying my eyes out hugging a pillow. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone this but I feel if another woman in the same situation needs to know everyone breaks at some point and it may not be pretty but you do come out of it, it might just be worth it to risk the embarrassment. I was just overwhelmed and got a rush of depression that I am normally good at shielding myself from. I cried and felt like crap for most of the night but I do feel better, I enjoy at least one thing everyday even if it as simple as my son telling me he loves me. I broke but it made things easier I guess I just needed to let it out and admit to myself that this will not be easy and it does hurt to have cancer, nothing about it is pretty or glamorous. It certainly isn't a holiday stay in hospital or a good excuse for attention that's for sure, cancer sucks. It may get the better of me for a moment in time but it will never get the better of me for long enough for it to win, of that I am certain.

Well that's all from me for a few days, I have surgery tomorrow and I will check in when I get home. I think its a bit too much to write posts from my iPhone. Well wish me luck :)